"You Are The Father!"

I was reading an article today by Bill Simmons today on espn.com. I found the article to be very funny, due to the fact that he was looking forward to watching HBO Hard Knocks this season. One reason he stated why he was looking forward to it, was the anticipation of any of Antonio Cromarties 7 illegitimate children coming to visit him during training camp. This got me thinking. I wonder how many other athletes can put up numbers like that. I did some research and found a very long list of present and former athletes who just love making babies with random strippers, whores, and an occasional ok female. So here is a list of what I found.

Cromartie, whom I mentioned in the previous paragraph, has 7 illegitimate kids by 5 different women from his days in San Diego. He is now a member of the New York Jets. Watch out ladies of NYC there is a new sperm donor in town and he prefers pigskin over sheepskin. A reason why he keeps popping kids out is because struggles with difficult coverage and is not so great in “preventative” defensive schemes both on and off the field.

Ray Lewis of the Baltimore Ravens: This one surprised me a bit. I had no idea he had 6 kids with multiple women. The reason why I was surprised was because I thought he just liked killing people, and I am not talking about hard hits on the football field. He was once tried for murder in 2000. Can you imagine going to Disney World with your family, and seeing Lewis walking in with his kids? I would be on the first flight out of Orlando. I mean he stabbed a guy to death. “Allegedly”

Larry Johnson: You’re telling me Grandma Ma has 5 kids by 4 different women? I am not going to lie I use to own a pair of the LJ Converse React shoes that he had. Man I thought I was a cool kid and was suddenly going to up my scoring average in my next basketball season. Turns out LJ is trying to join the Knicks in a “leadership role.” That’s all the Knicks need after getting over they just got over Isiah Thomas and his sexual passes he made at other employees. This is the same man who once looked at the script of Space Jam and said, “I’m totally cool having fewer lines than Shawn Bradley and Elmer Fudd.” (Nothing but smart decisions from a man who lists “not getting that fat” on his list of post-career achievements.)

Charles Rogers: The Michigan State receiver who turned out to do a lot more pitching than catching, if you catch my drift. Rogers has 5 kids by 4 women as well. He had 2 kids by 2 different women before leaving high school! The 6-foot-3 wide receiver entered the NFL as a can’t-miss prospect that Matt Millen claimed would become the face of the Detroit Lions franchise (which, oddly turned out to be sort of true). Rogers was a complete and utter failure. He logged just 14 NFL games before leaving the league in 2005, just in time to collect his fifth mouth to feed and an arrest for passing out drunk at a Mexican restaurant in Michigan at three in the afternoon.Derrick Thomas: The former Kansas City Chiefs linebacker had 7 kids by multiple women. He realized that he had screwed up multiple times and just flat out died. Way to take the easy way out Thomas.

Evander Holyfield: The former heavyweight champ has 9 kids by different women. He is still to this day boxing anyone he can talk into fighting his old ass because of his major financial woes. Here is a thought Evander after 2 or 3 kids why don’t you invest in a vasectomy and quit building 50 million dollar homes. I can understand why he doesn’t though. The guy has more kids than brain cells left.

Travis Henry: The former Bills and Broncos running back and now drug dealer has 9 kids by 9 different women all by the age of 28. I don’t care who you are, that is impressive. Good luck in your next “business” opportunity Mr. Henry, you’re going to need it.

Shawn Kemp: AKA the founding father of illegitimate kids by pro athletes. He is the poster boy for The Maury Show DNA paternity tests.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVlfyYWfX8I&feature=related The one, the only Shawn Kemp has 12 children by multiple women. This number is subject to change as another may pop out before I finish writing. It is fitting his nickname was Reign Man. It has a whole new meaning now. When he became a member of the Portland Trail Blazers he filled out this info on his personal info sheet that most teams make newly acquired players fill out. On Shawn Kemp’s questionnaire under hobbies it said, “Girls”. And my personal favorite – under favorite breakfast he listed, “Girls”.

Well folks there are a list of 8 of the former and current athletes who just love to make babies. I will leave you with an honorable mention list of other athletes that are hanging on for as many paychecks as they can get to help feed the kids.

* NBA, Latrell Sprewell (three kids by three women before his 21st birthday)
* NFL, Darren McFadden (three illegitimate kids in four years of high school and college)
* NBA, Jason Caffey: (eight illegitimate kids by seven women)
*NFL, Marshall Faulk (six kids by three women)
* NFL, Santonio Holmes: (three kids while in college)
* NBA, Stephon Marbury, (two illegitimate children)
*NBA, Juwan Howard (three kids by three different mothers)
*NFL, Willis McGahee (three children out of wedlock in two years)
*MLB, Vlad Guerrero (four kids by four women)
*NBA, Mike Bibby (two children while in college)
*NFL, Shannon Sharpe (three children out of wedlock)
*NFL, Chad Johnson (three children out of wedlock)
*NFL, Ricky Williams (three children out of wedlock)
*NBA, Willie Anderson (nine kids out of wedlock)
*NBA, Calvin Murphy (nine women, 14 children)
*NBA, Julius Erving (two children by two women)
*MLB, Pete Rose (paternity suit)
*NBA, Larry Bird (paternity suit)
*Boxing, Oscar de la Hoya (paternity suit)
*NHL, Mark Messier (paternity suit)
*NBA, Patrick Ewing (paternity suit)
*MLB, Jim Palmer (paternity suit)
*MLB, Juan Gonzalez (paternity suit)
*MLB, Steve Garvey (paternity suit)
*NBA, Hakeem Olajuwon (paternity suit)
*NBA, Gary Payton (paternity suit)
*NBA, Scottie Pippen (paternity suit)
*NBA, Isiah Thomas (paternity suit)
*NBA, Allen Iverson (paternity suit)
*NFL, Rae Carruth (fathered an illegitimate kid before the incident where he had his pregnant girlfriend gunned down)
*NBA, Dwight Howard
*NBA, Walter Herrmann
*NBA, Peja Stojakovic
*NBA, coach Eddie Jordan
*NHL, Daniel Alfredsson
*NHL player Richard Zednik
*NBA, Mike Miller
*NFL, Marvin Harrison
*NBA, Tracy McGrady
*MLB, Darryl Strawberry
*NFL, Matt Leinart
*NFL, Tom Brady
*NBA, Antawn Jamison
*MLB, Chipper Jones
*NBA, DeShawn Stevenson
*MLB, Cliff Floyd
*NFL, Brian Urlacher
*NFL, Andre Rison
*MLB, David Justice
*MLB, Andruw Jones
*NFL, Alonzo Spellman
*NFL, Dave Meggett
*NBA, Gary Payton
*MLB, Randy Johnson

"Some Ride"

With a little over 13 seconds left in the Duke vs. Butler game the other night there were a few thoughts that kept coming into my mind. One was, are we getting ready to witness the 2nd coming of Hoosiers? Was Jimmy Chitwood II getting ready to shock the nation, just like “Hickory” shocked Indiana back in 1954. The atmosphere in Lucas Oil Stadium was nothing I have ever experienced in my life, and I have been to some good ball games. The way the crowd came out and supported Butler was amazing. Duke had brought a lot of fans and tried to match the intensity, but they were outnumbered by Butler fans. I am not even a Butler fan, but my heart was racing for most of that game, especially towards the end of the game. I think the fact that I hate Duke with a passion had something to do with that.
I wonder how that timeout went when Butler was down 1 with 13 seconds left. I can see it going something like this. Brad Stevens says, “Ok we are going to isolate Mack and let him go one on one with his man.” After hearing this all the Butler players put their heads down. Coach Stevens asks, “What’s the matter?” Gordon Hayward lifts his head with sweat dripping from his face and says, “I’ll make it.” All the Butler players have their spirits lifted and Coach Stevens agrees to go with it. Ok, so that is probably not how the timeout went, but I can dream right? Hayward almost made the winning shot on two different occasions. If Hayward makes that half court shot at the buzzer, this game goes from a great title game to the best shot in NCAA history and the best game in NCAA history. No questions asked, this game would’ve been talked about for decades to come. People would begin to ask who is Christian Laettner. This game may still be talked about for years to come.
With one season ending it brings up questions for what is next for Butler. Will coach Stevens stay or leave? I know other programs will offer a ton of money to him, including Oregon who has a ton of Nike money and great facilities. Some say Hayward could turn pro, and if Stevens leaves I think that will influence Hayward. If Stevens and Hayward both stay, then they return 4 starters and will compete once again for a national title. An avid college basketball fan outside the Midwest has heard of Butler, but now the casual fan knows where Butler is at. Will this change the type of recruits Butler pursues? Will McDonald’s All Americans now consider going to Butler? All of these questions will begin to unfold soon, and I hope Butler continues to have similar success.

"Heaters"

Well folks this NCAA tourney has been one for the ages. It began with one of the best opening days in tourney history. It showcased what we in the biz call “heaters” AKA close games. I haven’t seen this many heaters since my mother was baking Christmas cookies in the oven back in 2001. Let us just say Jeff put on a few pounds of fat over Christmas break that year. This is also why I believe I wasn’t offered a division 1 football scholarship. That and I didn’t weigh enough, and may or may not have been fast enough. This is all beside the point, back to the topic at hand. March Madness!!!!
Up to the Xavier vs. Kansas State game I had seen every down to the wire finish in every game that has been on, thanks to direct tv and there March Madness package, where I can watch up to 4 games at a time or just one of my choice. This might be the single greatest invention ever since Tim Tebow (come on you knew that was coming.) Now back to last night. I had a few people over to watch the Butler game, which was another heater. After the game was over my friends left and it was just me and the ole ball and chain AKA my girlfriend Brittany. We stayed up and watched the next set of games till the Xavier and Kansas State game went to halftime. Brittany then suggested we should probably go to bed because it was getting late. So I blame her for the fact that I missed probably one of the best tourney games in the past decade (ok I may or may not have been just as tired as her, but it still sounds better blaming it on someone else.) I woke up this morning to a text from my buddy Joel that read, “Gus Johnson is going nuts!!!” Gus Johnson did the play by play for that game. At that point right there I went into complete Jimmy Fallon mode from the movie “Fever Pitch” where Fallon is a die hard Red Sox fan and has season tickets and hasn’t missed a game in years. He decides one night to go to an event with his girlfriend and missed one of the greatest Yankees vs. Red Sox games ever. This feeling can be compared to missing out on a great life experience, for women we could compare it to child birth or your wedding day. Now do you see where we are coming from ladies? I arrived to work and checked everyone’s facebook and twitter updates. This didn’t help me feel any better. All I saw were things like “wow what a game!” Or “man they were trading 3 point shots left and right” and “man I can’t believe Jordan Crawford hit that shot in OT.” Needless to say, I felt empty inside.As my day went on I traded texts and emails from friends who were talking about the game. I even had people on my facebook talking about it. Thanks guys and gals, I appreciate it (insert sarcasm here.)It came to the point of my day where I asked myself, do I go online and watch these highlights? Seeing how I wasn’t working anyway I said ok. I logged on and watched them, and watched both teams trade 3 point shot after 3 point shot. It looked like a old school heavyweight boxing match. Listening to Gus Johnson morph into complete army drill Sgt. Instructor mode did not make me any happier. If you don't know anything about Gus Johnson please check out this youtube video, and if your a male and your dick doesn't get hard from listening to it, then you may want to try viagra or cialis and if your erection lasts longer than 4 hours you may want to see a doctor.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zB2KOhEceNM All tourney long I wanted to here Gus Johnson at his best, and what happened? I fell asleep. I learned a lot from this mistake though. Never again will I go to bed during another NCAA tourney game. I don’t care if I have to buy aderol from a unreliable drug dealer or even snort a few lines of cocaine. I will never miss a NCAA tourney game for as long as I live outside a senior citizen home. I mean lets face it, at that point in life that’s out of my control and so are my bowel movements. Have a great rest of March Madness folks.