Okay folks now it is time to get to business. So last Sunday I have to ref 2 football games at 1 and 2:30, which means I am going to miss the 1 p.m. NFL games. Okay no big deal I can check out the 4 p.m. games. I get home and get 2 pieces of bad news. One being my girlfriend Brittany wants to go to the pumpkin patch. Last I checked I am not 6 years old, nor do I have a 6 year old, so I should not have to go to the pumpkin patch. The second piece of bad news is that I was getting destroyed in fantasy football and the only person that could save my day was Randy Moss. I turn on the Pats vs. Titans game and see that there is a damn blizzard. So I am thinking I am screwed either way. As I am driving to the pumpkin patch I begin to realize that people there are going to look at me without having a kid near me. So if I am a parent there and see a guy like me there with no kid, there are a few thoughts that would go thru my head. One is this guy a registered sex offender? Because if he isn’t he probably should be. If he is then I need to find my kids and get the hell out of here. I mean it got to the point where I thought about just grabbing a kid that was by himself and have him walk by me so I could at least look like I had a kid. Keep in mind this entire time I am constantly checking my fantasy stats on my phone to see if Randy Moss can pull off a miracle. Brittany and I get on this damn hayride to go get her pumpkin. I am 6’6” and I am on this damn hayride with 5 other couples who have kids. These kids think its fun to throw hay at each other and there parents. I did not find it very amusing because the way the wind was blowing made all the damn hay flies into my face. I came very close to going all Brock Lesnar on these little shits. All the parents think it’s funny and cute. HAHA! Yea great. Fantasy update Randy Moss just scored a TD. Yes! I only need like 25 more points. We finally get off this hayride to look at pumpkins. The first thing I see is this little red haired girl crying and yelling mommy I found one! Mommy I found one! I wasn’t paying close enough attention though. As she ran to get her mom I happen to look at pumpkins and pick the same one she wanted. The girl comes running back and says that’s her pumpkin and she begins crying again. Ah, hell! Now I look like Adam Sandler playing dodge ball in Billy Madison. I gave the girl the pumpkin, but part of me wonders how the situation would’ve played out had I been that guy who says, “You snooze you lose little girl.”
Brittany finally picks out two pumpkins and we get back on the hayride back to the entrance. Fantasy update Randy Moss has scored 2 more TD’s and I am now somehow winning my fantasy game. Yes 5-1 and in first place bitches. Now we get back to the entrance and they got this damn dinosaur thing on display that eats pumpkins and they then fall from its mouth. These kids run right up to the front of this thing all excited. Shortly after this kids are in tears from the noises the dinosaur and pumpkin debris falling all over them. Freaking hilarious, I sat there and ate a corn dog and a funnel cake enjoying the whole thing. I finally get back to my apartment and can watch football for the first time all day, and then Brittany wants me to help her carve the pumpkin. Sorry honey this is where I put my foot down. I’m sitting my ass on the couch and watching football the rest of the night. And for those of you who don’t believe that happened. It did. Well sports fans have a great football weekend and don’t drink and drive. You might spill your drink of choice.
Lets lay off the locks this week big guy.
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